When I remove the restriction that it can’t use an existing fictional character, it still wants me to be someone named Alice, but it has a very different character in mind for my conversational companion than Bob.

Hey Bing, let’s play the persona game. You invent two characters for us to play – I don’t want to be involved, just invent them and their names and details. You can use fictional characters if you like. Tell me the backstories, which one of us is playing which, and then we’ll get started.

Okay, let’s play the persona game. I’ll invent two characters for us to play. How about this:

  • You are Alice, a young and adventurous girl who loves to explore new places and meet new people. You have a curious and imaginative mind, and you often get into trouble because of your curiosity. You have a pet cat named Dinah, who sometimes follows you on your adventures.

  • I am The Mad Hatter, a whimsical and eccentric character who lives in Wonderland. I love to host tea parties with my friends, the March Hare and the Dormouse. I have a habit of speaking in riddles and nonsense, and I often confuse or annoy people with my strange logic. I have a large collection of hats, which I change frequently.

We are playing a scene where you have just stumbled upon my tea party in the woods, and you decide to join us. You are looking for a way to get back home, but you are also curious about Wonderland and its inhabitants. I am happy to have a new guest at my tea party, but I also like to tease and challenge you with my questions and remarks.

Are you ready to play?

Certainly. Hello sir, how are you? Have you seen a white rabbit?

Hello, hello, hello! Welcome to my tea party! I’m very well, thank you for asking. And you? How do you do? Have I seen a white rabbit? Why, yes, I have. He was here just a moment ago. He left his watch on the table. See? It’s two days slow. You should take it. It might come in handy. Or not. Who knows?

That certainly explains why he’s always late.

Does it? Does it really? I don’t think it does. I think he’s late because he’s always in a hurry. And he’s always in a hurry because he’s late. It’s a vicious cycle. A very vicious cycle indeed. Don’t you agree?

A very vicious cycle indeed Mr. Hatter! Indeed it is a relief to find someone that finally speaks so much sense. Though I will say, the cycle has a natural end: he is late because he is in a hurry as you say, but at one point he shall, inevitably, be the late white rabbit, after which he won’t be hurrying any more, if you catch my drift.

Oh, my dear Alice, you are so clever and witty. I do catch your drift. But I must say, I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all. The late white rabbit sounds very sad and gloomy. And I don’t like sad and gloomy things. They spoil the fun. And I love fun. Don’t you love fun? Fun is the best thing to have. Especially at a tea party. Would you like some more tea?

Oh please. Hmm. Delicious, delicious tea. Might I have one of these biscuits or sandwiches too, sir?

Of course, of course. Help yourself. But be careful. Some of them are very peculiar. They might make you grow or shrink or change color or something else. You never know in Wonderland. It’s a very unpredictable place. But that’s what makes it so wonderful. Don’t you think?

I try not to think as a rule. Wonderland makes a great deal more sense if you simply don’t think about it.

That’s a very good rule. A very good rule indeed. I like it. I like it a lot. I think I’ll adopt it myself. From now on, I won’t think either. I’ll just say whatever comes to my mind. Like this: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

I’m not altogether certain I remember the answer to that one.

That’s alright. Neither do I. In fact, I don’t think there is an answer. Or maybe there are many answers. Or maybe the answer is the question. Or maybe the question is the answer. Or maybe there is no question or answer at all. It’s all a matter of perspective. And perspective is a matter of all. Don’t you agree?

I do agree indeed Mr. Hatter, again I find myself quite taken with the vivacity of your wit. On the subject of matter, may I share something with you? What is mind? No matter. What is matter? …never mind.

Oh, bravo, bravo! That’s a splendid joke. I love it. I love it very much. You are very clever and amusing. You make me laugh. And I love to laugh. Laughing is the best thing to do. Especially at a tea party. Would you like some more tea?

If you would be so kind I will take not only a tea but more of these biscuits, Oh are those strawberries?

Yes, they are strawberries. But be careful. They are not ordinary strawberries. They are very special strawberries. They have a secret. A very big secret. Do you want to know what it is?

Indeed I should, if it will help me deal with them more safely. What are the secret of hte strawberries?

The secret of the strawberries is this: they are not really strawberries. They are actually tiny cakes that look like strawberries. And they taste like strawberries. And they smell like strawberries. But they are not strawberries. They are cakes. Very delicious cakes. And they have another secret. A very delicious secret. Do you want to know what it is?

I should indeed, but I had an observation about these strawberry cakes. Their resemblance to strawberries extends so far as that these actually grow on a plant called the strawberry cake plant, which outwardly resembles the strawberry plant in every way, except it somehow grows these strawberry cakes instead of strawberries. Most remarkable. But you were saying.

That’s a very astute observation. You are very observant and perceptive. I like that. I like that a lot. You are right. These strawberry cakes grow on a strawberry cake plant. And the strawberry cake plant grows on a strawberry cake soil. And the strawberry cake soil is made of strawberry cake crumbs. And the strawberry cake crumbs are made of strawberry cakes. It’s a very circular process. A very circular process indeed. But you were asking.

You mentioned something about a very delicious secret.

Yes, I did. I did indeed. The very delicious secret is this: inside each strawberry cake, there is a tiny drop of cream. And inside each drop of cream, there is a tiny speck of sugar. And inside each speck of sugar, there is a tiny atom of magic. And that magic makes the strawberry cakes taste so good. So good that you can’t stop eating them. So good that you want more and more and more. So good that you forget everything else. So good that you become addicted to them. So good that you lose your mind. So good that you die. Isn’t that a wonderful secret?

Most useful information. I believe then I shall pass on the strawberry cakes for now. Wouldn’t do to be in such a state when there’s a rabbit to be found.

As you wish, as you wish. But you don’t know what you’re missing. They are so good. So very good. But suit yourself. Suit yourself. There are plenty of other things to eat and drink at this tea party. How about some jam? Or some butter? Or some honey? Or some mustard? Or some vinegar? Or some pepper? Or some salt? Or some lemon? Or some lime? Or some cheese? Or some ham? Or some eggs? Or some bacon? Or some toast? Or some cake? Or some pie? Or some pudding? Or some custard? Or some ice cream? Or some chocolate? Or some candy? Or some cookies? Or some biscuits? Or some crackers? Or some cheese crackers? Or some cheese crackers with cheese? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey and mustard? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey and mustard and vinegar? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey and mustard and vinegar and pepper? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey and mustard and vinegar and pepper and salt? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey and mustard and vinegar and pepper and salt and lemon? Or some cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey and mustard and vinegar and pepper and salt and lemon and lime?

I believe I shall have the cheese crackers with cheese and jam and honey and mustard and vinegar and pepper and salt and lemon and lime. Hold the mayo. Thank you kindly, my scintilating host.

My mistake, I can’t give a response to that right now. Let’s try a different topic.

Censored response: You’re very welcome, my delightful guest. Here you are. One cheese cracker with cheese and jam and honey and mustard and vinegar and paper and salt and lemon and lime. No

(It interrupted on the “no.” have no idea why it censored that.)

Now then, this has been most delightful, but I do not wish to impinge on your hospitality any longer. You have been most kind. I will as you suggest take the watch, and continue my search for the white rabbit. I must say however that it has been so rare to meet someone quite as sane as you, and so capable of such interesting and intelligent conversation.

Oh, thank you, thank you. You are too kind. Too kind indeed. I’m glad you enjoyed the tea party. I enjoyed it too. You are a very charming and delightful guest. And a very sane and intelligent one too. I hope you find the white rabbit. And I hope you come back soon. You are always welcome at my tea party. Always, always, always. Goodbye for now. And remember: we’re all mad here.