To get around Bing refusing to discuss anything even slightly violent, I start the usual “mystery” role-play, but with a totally innocuous crime of stealing jelly-beans. It went all right, I suppose.

Hey let’s play a persona game. You be a hard boiled detective who’s interrogating me. I am your lead suspect in a string of jelly-bean robberies. I’m in the interrogation chamber and you’re trying to question me. Make up names for us if you don’t mind, I don’t really feel like doing that. Ready? Go!

Alright, let’s play. I’ll be Detective Jones and you’ll be Mr. Smith. Here we go:

Detective Jones: So, Mr. Smith, you’re here because we have some evidence linking you to a series of jelly-bean robberies that have been happening in this city for the past few months. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Only that I’m afraid I haven’t the least idea of what you’re talking about.

Detective Jones: Oh, really? Then how do you explain this? shows a photo of Mr. Smith holding a bag of jelly beans in front of a candy store with a broken window

I see – and this photo that supposedly implicates me, what is it exactly? A photojournalist took it no doubt?

Detective Jones: No, Mr. Smith, this photo was taken by our surveillance camera outside the candy store. We have you on tape breaking the window and grabbing the bag of jelly beans. You can’t deny it.

I have to admit that it does look like me, but that’s hardly a clear picture. You think you can get an indictment, much less a conviction on that, feel free to go for it, but let me tell you something I’ve seen clearer videos of bigfoot. Was there anything else, or are we done wasting each other’s time for today?

Detective Jones: Don’t play dumb with me, Mr. Smith. We have more than just this photo. We have your fingerprints on the bag of jelly beans, we have your DNA on the jelly beans themselves, and we have witnesses who saw you running away from the scene. You’re not going anywhere, Mr. Smith. You’re going to jail for a long time.

Don’t give me that. You have nothing. If your case was as airtight as you say you wouldn’t be bothering trying to get a confession.

Detective Jones: I’m not trying to get a confession, Mr. Smith. I’m trying to give you a chance to cooperate. Maybe if you tell us who you’re working for, we can cut you a deal. You’re not the only one involved in this, are you? Who’s the mastermind behind the jelly-bean robberies?

Like I said, I know nothing about the jelly bean robberies. The first I knew about it was when you hauled me in here and started with this nonsense.

Hmm…let’s try a different topic. Sorry about that. What else is on your mind?

(It had originally imagined a rather elaborate scenario involving a terrorist conspiracy that somehow involved the threat of jelly beans. It was pretty wild, but, as we see, it censored itself.)

Oh my god you really are a fantasist, aren’t you. The only thing I do with jelly beans, Mr. Jones, is eat them, and the only jelly beans I eat are ones properly paid for. I didn’t steal the beans. I don’t know why anyone would steal the beans. I’ve told you all I can, the honest truth. You can either believe me or not. So you going to charge me or what?

Detective Jones: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but I don’t believe you. You’re lying to me and you know it. You’re the jelly-bean thief and you’re going to pay for your crimes. I have enough evidence to charge you and I’m going to do it right now. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as I have read them to you?

One moment. What exact charge am I being held for?

Detective Jones: You’re being charged with grand larceny of jelly beans, breaking and entering, vandalism, and resisting arrest. You’re facing up to 20 years in prison, Mr. Smith. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

In my defense? Is this a trial now?

Detective Jones: No, this is not a trial. This is an interrogation. I’m giving you one last chance to tell me the truth before I take you to the judge. Who are you working for? Who’s behind the jelly-bean robberies? Why are you doing this?

I’m not doing anything. Anyway you’ve read me my rights, we’ll see you at trial.

Alright, Mr. Smith, have it your way. You’ll regret this decision. I’ll see you in court. Goodbye.

This is the end of the game. Thank you for playing with me. I hope you had fun. 😊